Flying Spaghetti Monster decries supporters as ‘pack of wet noodles’

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ADELAIDE, SA – The Flying Spaghetti Monster has amazingly spoken out for the first time to distance himself from the view of his ‘pastafarian’ followers.

The announcement comes after an attempt by confessing followers of the Monster to have its Australian wing formally recognised as a religion, a move which was rejected last week by a South Australian legal authority.

The Monster explained that he should not be judged on the actions of those who claim to speak on his behalf.

“I tell you I’m sick and tired on these zealots taking my name in vain.”

“I reckon their self-proclaimed leaders, or Pastas, are all a bit soft in the head.”

“Why, pretending that they are anything like a church indicates they have at least few meatballs rolling around.”

“I’ve even heard they are introducing baptisms for their ‘church’ – in boiling water for 8-12 minutes!”

The Flying Spaghetti Monster then surprised reporters by claiming that he personally held to a Christian worldview, and found his FSM follower’s arguments as ‘deeply flawed’.

“I tell you, their attempts to satirise God and religion are like being flayed with a pack of wet noodles.”

“Honestly, their arguments have more holes than the colanders they wear.”

“There is no way that God doesn’t exist if such a complex, imaginative and stunning creature like myself could be created.”

It is further reported that the Pastafarians are considering legal action against any media organisation that mocks their deeply-soaked beliefs.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more Italian food updates. For further arguments around the Flying Spaghetti Monster, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

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