Facebook follows through on news ban threat – global happiness increases

SYDNEY, NSW – Facebook has followed through on its threat to ban news sharing in Australia, but surprise survey results have found that there appears to be a correlation between the move and an increase in mental health and general well-being.  

On Thursday, a suicide prevention group released the polling as part of their ‘RUOK Day’, reporting that as soon as the Facebook news was cut off they saw a rapid rise in happiness, exercise, spirituality, relationships, and overall ability to just get on with living healthy lives.

R U OK CEO Katherine Newton has been staggered with the results and has spoken out on the discovery:

“Suicide hotlines have gone crazy during the pandemic for the past six months… who knew that the answer was so simple?”

“It turns out when people stop reading and sharing click-bait news designed to get you angry, they have so much more time for truth, beauty and goodness.”

“I applaud Facebook for their brilliant strategic sacrifice for the good of us all during this testing time.”

Facebook traffic and profits have of course dramatically dropped, with all posts remotely reflecting the current world climate immediately removed by the new algorithm.

The new Community Guidelines limit users to posts on relationship status updates, cake recipes and videos of cats falling off ledges.

When questioned about the genius of the news ban, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg seemed overwhelmed:

“Ummm… how did we know that banning news and getting people off social media would deliver global happiness? I guess it was just divine intervention or something.”

Zuckerberg has accordingly been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out President Donald Trump.

It has however been discovered that ‘fake news’ is still able to be shared on Facebook platforms, to the great relief of the the Damascus Dropbear.

 

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The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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