Extreme Calvinist joins protests in order to smash ‘idol’ statues

SYDNEY, NSW – One of the protesters arrested in Sydney yesterday has confessed that he wasn’t actually part of the #Blacklivesmatter movement, but thought it would be a good opportunity to ‘smash the icons, idols and ideals of heretical horror’ at local cathedrals.

John Zwingli of North Sydney, who describes himself as a ‘Committed Calvanist’, took to the street yesterday with the other protesters but immediately began targeting nearby statues of Catholic saints, before moving on to painted artworks of Jesus as well as crucifixes.

There has been recent international precedence for such actions, with statues of Mary and various saints in the US all being pulled down and beheaded due to alleged racist overtones. Even statues of Jesus himself have been destroyed, with BLM activist Shaun King calling for all ‘white’ Christ images to be pulled down for their representation of ‘white supremacy’.

When asked about his agenda, Mr Zwingli was upfront about his motivation being grounded not in racism, but in Reformation thought.

“Look, to be honest, I don’t really care if Jesus is depicted as white or not. This is just the only time I can do my important Reformation work with the police being too worried about racial offence to stop me.”

It is further reported that Mr Zwingli led a group of #BLM protesters into St. Mary’s Cathedral, spray-painting  ‘Thou shalt not make any graven images’ on the side wall. The group then kneeled with fists in the air at the front of the alter, after which an elderly priest mistook them for parishioners in for mass and provided communion.

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