Image Credits: Bryan Versteeg/Spacehabs.com (edited)
Elon Musk offers to build Victoria ‘Mars-based’ quarantine facility
MELBOURNE, VIC – Victoria’s Quarantine Program looks headed for astronomical changes after Elon Musk today announced a bold offer to relocate the program to Mars to reduce the risk of outbreaks in the local populace.
The SpaceX Founder declared that the secret program was now ‘ready for launch’, assuring Victorians that the multiple quarantine mistakes by the Government and recent outbreak can now be exported ‘off-planet’ in his next SpaceX rocket.
“I picked up how Victorians were worried about all the issues around hotel quarantine and poor management, and so I thought an innovative solution might be warranted.”
“Our scientific research has discovered that community transmission is impossible on Mars, which makes it an obvious destination to keep everyone safe.”
“Why should Victoria have to endure continued quarantine mistakes with returning overseas citizens, when you can just shoot them off into space for two weeks?”
Acting Victorian Premier, James Merlino, confirmed the government was actively considering the proposal.
“Victorians are very proud of our global gold standard quarantine program, though the opportunity to partner with Mr. Musk for a beyond-global gold standard would be a great boon to our state.”
“With such a cutting edge quarantine solution, we’d be light years ahead of lousy New South Wales.”
“It’s certainly a bonus that Mars is outside the terms of reference of potential future inquiries too.”
However, Mr Merlino was less forthcoming when asked about the safety in transit, recent tracing failures, and mental health of the recovering Premier, Dan Andrews.
“The science is clear: the only thing more dangerous than the virus are difficult questions, and we can’t afford to be distracted from keeping Victorians safe.”