Elite progressive school mandate ‘faith vaccinations’ to protect students from genuine Christianity

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SYNDEY, NSW – An elite progressive school has announced they are going to make ‘faith vaccinations’ mandatory for all students starting in 2022.

The move comes among increasing concerns around the spread of faith among wealthy, vulnerable private school students.

We are aware of several outbreaks of gospel and evangelical strains of Christianity across our campuses over the last few years,” said Professor Dean Willis, Head Dean of the school.

“As a result we recognise the need to inoculate students against this contagious situation.”

“We are therefore providing luke-warm injections of general faith assumptions and bland religious studies to all students in the new year.”

“This ‘faith vaccine’ will hopefully give them just enough shallow arguments and pithy one-liners that their minds can quickly reject the gospel virus if exposed.”

Damascus Dropbear interviewed a number of the students at the college, and it appears that the vaccination is working.

“Can God make a rock that he can’t move? Boom! Disproved Him.” said one extremely confident senior.

“I lost my best lipstick this morning. How can a good God exist with so much suffering?” argued another well-respected house captain.

“I don’t know any real Christian’s personally, but the media tells me they are all hateful so that’s all the evidence I need,” responded a third.

“Science. Yeah. Take that.” Answered a fourth, who later turned out to be the physics teacher.

It is further reported however that the vaccines apparently have a limited effectiveness over time, and the school executives have warned students to ensure they continue to social distance at least 50m away from any churches, and wear masks that cover their eyes and ears in order to not risk any risk in the future of experiencing the Author of all.

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