Doomsday Dan excited to be able to try out new nuclear subs against Christian schools

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MELBOURNE, VIC – Victorian Premier, Dan Andrews, has expressed his excitement at being able to utilise the new nuclear subs against all Christian Schools in Victoria.

Last week, the AUKUS agreement was announced which began the process of building eight new nuclear submarines in Australia, and Doomsday Dan has baggsied the first go.

“With these nuclear subs I can finally deal with those pesky Christian schools that have been plaguing Victoria,” the trigger-happy Premier declared.

“For too long they have been an alien and aggressive force within my lands, but we never had the firepower to finally deal with them.”

“Now we do. Woo hoo!! Load up the torpedoes comrades!”

With legislation to make Christian schools official ‘Enemies of the Stateslated for December, Doomsday Dan was slightly taken aback when it was put to him that the submarines were for protection from China, not for Victorian taxpayers.

“What, these subs are being built largely to contain the threat of China? Not on my watch!”

“China wouldn’t hurt a Uygher fly.”

“Christian schools with their propensity for genocidal violence against LGBTIQZ+ people by trying to implement Christian values is far more dangerous.”

“Blow them out of the water I reckon. Pew, pew.”

It is further reported that Doomsday Dan has started construction on a solid gold bath to be installed in the Victorian Parliament. He has indicated that it will be used for inventing creative new policies such as ‘Bubbles on the Baptist’ and ‘Hide the Faith-seeking Submarine’.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more maritime news. For more on religious freedom in Victoria, see this blog by Murray Campbell.

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