‘Commonwealth Hunger Games’ proposed to address State disunity

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CANBERRA, ACT – Australian President, Scott Morrison, has today tabled in Parliament a proposed ‘Commonwealth Hunger Games’ solution to the growing disunity and unrest between the States regarding their various responses to the COVID-19 pandemic. 

The proposal comes following concerns that Australian federalism is under threat, with States conflicting with one another and the Capital over borders, quarantine arrivals, health, trade and football.

Showing clear frustration at the fighting within the National Cabinet, President ScoMo announced today an event where State representatives fight to the death for ultimate authority in determining the national response to the virus. 

He delivered a speech from the steps of the Australian War Memorial in Canberra.

“My fellow Australians, tonight I address all of Australia as one. Since the Dark Days of Labor governments, Australia has had an unprecedented era of peace, a peace built upon cooperation and unity.”

“In the past weeks you have heard of sporadic protests, warring Premiers, and police brutality. These actions are based on a misunderstanding of how we have survived, together.”

“Federalism is a God-given covenant. Each district supplies and honours the Capitol, like blood to a heart. In return, the Capitol provides security, order and love.”

“To refuse work together is to put the entire system in danger. If you resist the system, you starve yourself.”

President ScoMo has nominated Victoria in the privileged District 1 position, with Premier Daniel Andrews taking the honoured Gamemaster role for the first Commonwealth Hunger Games. Sources indicate that the decision was made due to the Premier’s proven ability to suppress dissent, enforce heavy-handed rules, and utilise ‘private security units’ whilst still maintaining high popularity.

All districts will be be required to send two representatives, one identifying as male one identifying as female, to the Capitol to compete.

The rules indicate that each couple should represent their State’s major industry and include farmers from South Australia, miners from Western Australia, cattle runners from the Northern Territory, artists from Victoria, bankers from New South Wales, drunks from Queensland, hippies from Tasmania, and public servants from the Capitol itself (widely tipped as the first to die).

Morrison has mandated viewing of the event for all citizens:

“I know you will stand with me, with us, with all of us, together, as one.”

“Aussie today, Aussie tomorrow, Aussie forever. Oi Oi Oi.”


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