CofE sacks Apostle Paul after previous ‘anti-Christian’ behaviour uncovered

LONDON, UK – The Church of England (COE) in the UK has announced they are cutting ties with the Apostle Paul after uncovering previous ‘anti-Christian’ quotes.

The move comes after several high-profile sackings over historical comments, including Alexi McCammond from Teen Vogue who was fired for insensitive tweets she made when she was 17.

The COE announced their intention after a concerned Twitter user pointed to Scriptures (Acts 8:1-3) that proved the Apostle was involved in anti-Christian harassment, abuse and even violence.

“It has recently been brought to our attention that our previously beloved saint, the Apostle Paul, may have had a history of racist and abusive behaviour,” Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, explained.

“When we actually opened the Bible ourselves, we realised that Paul, going under the handle ‘Saul’, was indeed responsible for waves of violence against minorities.”

“The Church of England is not willing to be associated with any such person, and we are therefore announcing a formal end to the relationship.”

The distancing from the Apostle has also meant the removal of all his books, letters and ideas from all official COE documents.

“Obviously it means that our New Testament has become a lot thinner, going from 27 books to 13 (we included the book of Hebrews just to be sure),” the Archbishop continued.

“We have also had to scrap all 39 articles of our doctrine, as they were all influenced in some way by this abusive individual – though we must admit we had already moved away from many of them anyway.”

“As a culturally-sensitive church we have no mercy, forgiveness or tolerance for such people, no matter how much they repent or how prominent their sainthood.” 

“We do, however, wish Paul the best is his future endeavors.”

It is further reported that the Church of England has also committed to a complete review of the Old Testament, with the writings of Moses, King David, King Solomon and pretty much all of the prophets coming under scrutiny for previous harmful language and actions.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more biblical updates. For further reading around the Apostle Paul, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition. It is also worth reading Nick Cave’s comments on mercy in cancel culture.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular

Copy link
Powered by Social Snap