Churches serving alcoholic communion given permission to operate as pubs

Share via:

MELBOURNE, VICTORIA – The Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, has begrudgingly admitted that a loophole exists in his winding back of restrictions that allows churches which serve alcoholic communion to be recognised as pubs and therefore theoretically eligible hold church services of up to 70 people.

The move comes after complaints from the Catholic community that there was unequal treatment towards church services when compared to restaurants and pubs.

The Premier, looking petulant and grumpy at the revelation, confirmed the situation in a press conference today.

“Despite our firm belief that faith communities are generally unhygienic, dim-witted and likely to spread the plague further through their weird cultist rituals – they technically pass the ‘pub test’,” Mr Andrews said sullenly.

“However, this is only for churches who use actual alcohol. If any priest is found to be serving Jesus blood rather than grog we will shut them down quicker than two shakes of a martini mixer!”

Catholic Archbishop, Peter Comensoli, was ecstatic at the news.

“We are relieved that such a loophole has been found, and thank the Premier for actually being consistent within his own laws.”

“We would also like to point out that we have no sympathy at all for all those weak Pentecostal churches who expect some piss-weak juice to transform into the Saviour’s redeeming life-force. Jokes on you now.”

“And as for those tee-totalling Baptist churches, looks like you’ll be waiting a fair bit longer suckers!” the Archbishop solemnly explained.

It is further reported that in order to meet ‘full pub criteria’, churches will also be required to install flashing neon beer lights, cease cleaning their toilets, and dress their ushers up in tight fitting clothing.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more lockdown news.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular