‘Church Vision Day’ ends up in wild brawl

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MASCOT, NSW – Casting vision turned into ‘throwing fists’ yesterday afternoon at St Clements Church in Mascot, with the church’s 2020 vision day ending in a violent brawl.

Early reports indicate that the incident resulted in at least eight black eyes, several broken hips, and some medium-level property damage. Injured parties at the scene described the events leading up to the brawl.

“I’m all for creating goals along the idea of being a vibrant community that ‘loves our neighbours‘,” said Trent Sorbet, a long term member of St Clements.

“But clearly the Lord had never met bloody Dennis Matheson. During the passing of the peace he always holds my wife’s hand a little too long, you know.”

The Minister of the Church, Reverend Terry Lambert, described his shock as to how it all unfolded.

“I knew there were some underlying tensions in the church, but nothing like this.”

“In retrospect I shouldn’t have placed Trent and Dennis in the same brainstorming hub.”

“I never realised that trestle tables could be used so effectively to hit someone across the back.” 

Witness and church secretary, Deidre Hacking, reported that other members then joined in and that someone even set all seven rolls of butcher’s paper on fire and rolled them through the congregants.

“What really surprised me was some of those members in their eighties who were able to tackle so powerfully.”

“On the bright-side, it’s so nice to finally do something the whole church is passionately engaged with,” she said with a bloodied communion chalice still clenched in her hand.

The police arrived at the site to break up the brawl promptly, and the congregants were quick to forgive and seek forgiveness.

At 4:07PM, the church took the only vote of the day and decided unanimously to never have another church vision day again.

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