Church of England reassures members that everything is ‘just fine’

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LONDON, UK – The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby’ has called a press conference to announce that everything was entirely okay in the Church of England and global Anglican Communion.

The declaration comes after the national assembly voted in support of blessing same-sex marriages, as well as explore new ‘gender-neutral language’ for God.

“I just wanted to reassure everyone that there is absolutely no reason to be concerned,” a clearly sweating Archbishop stated.

“It’s all about unity. Happy family. Yay!”

“I’m not worried at all. Why would I be worried? Nope, nope, nope.”

Reporters appeared confused by the Archbishop’s cavalier attitude, particularly when his singed back began to smoke.

However, his most High Grace Super Reverend explained why he was so relaxed.

“Jesus words were really more like…guidelines… than actual eternal truths,” he said through clenched teeth.

“I actually found that… ow …. the world and modern culture usually know much better anyway.”

“Now please excuse me while I perform a quick self-baptism.”

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