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Church of England finally splits after Meghan and Harry interview
LONDON, UK – Archbishop of Canterbury, His Excellency Justin Welby, has announced that the Church of England has officially split after irreconcilable difference of opinion over the interview of former Prince Harry and Celebrity Meghan Markle.
The interview, which took place yesterday with the ‘Queen of Media’, Oprah Winfrey, caused such a dramatic disagreement of fundamental theological positions that the Archbishop declared that there was no other option but to separate the worldwide Anglican communion into two distinct denominations.
The first new denomination, to be headed up by Archbishop William Rowans, declared that they were firm believers in the former royal couple’s accounts and proud to follow them into the 21st century.
“Harry and Meghan embody all that is needed to give a royal shake-up throughout Anglicanism.”
“They have broken free from the oppressive and stifling traditional institutions of the church, forging their own way into a young and culturally popular expression of our faith.”
“We are there happy to appoint Meghan (and begrudgingly Harry) as the new head of our Anglican Church of Progressivism.”
The alternative denomination, to be led by Archbishop Cottrell Stephens, said that they completely rejected to cult of Meghan and Harry, rather reinforcing the orthodox commitment to the Queen and current royal family.
“The interview was a farce from beginning to end, and was simply a heretical attack against the purity of the royal family,” Archbishop Stephens declared.
“We must remember that our historic and proud faith is, and always will be, fully grounded in our faithfulness to the Queen and her Word.”
“This split, although regrettable, is an opportunity to weed out the unbelievers in our midst and once again stand firm on God’s holy monarchy.”
Archbishop Welby added that he will therefore be retiring from the role to allow space for the new movements to ‘find their own path’.
“I do note the irony however, that the Church of England which was formed out of the desire for King Henry VIII to divorce and execute his wife, has now split over a happily married couple with a bride whose head is still largely on her shoulders.”