Church ‘greatly relieved’ after Osaka reveals she isn’t God

Share via:


MELBOURNE, VIC – Church figures have welcomed a statement from Tennis superstar, Naomi Osaka, that she actually wasn’t God.

Interviewing after her elimination from the Australian Open, Osaka told reporters:

“Surprising as it might be, I’m not actually the Almighty God, Creator of the heavens and the Earth, beginning and the end of all things.”

“That’s why I can’t win every match…”.

Bishop Lance Fault, Sporting theology spokesperson for the Melbourne Catholic Diocese, was visibly relieved after the statement.

“Gosh, I mean, phew, I was really worried there for a second.”

“Jesus hasn’t had any real competition for this claim for at least 2000 years, but Osaka may have given him a run for his money.”

“Can you imagine all the work we would have to do if she had actually turned out to be God?”

However, there is growing concern around Australians attributing divinity to sports stars.

Bishop Fault went on to explain that there were actually a number of false tennis gods the Diocese have been watching carefully over the Australian Open.

“I mean, we already have the whole country of Serbia worshipping the new persecuted Saviour, Novak Djokovic.”

“Then there’s the humble Messiah Ash Barty, and the self-worshipping idols like Kyrgios, who confuse everybody.”

“Thank goodness for tennis superstars like Margaret Court who just seem to know their place.”

Some other theologians have suggested that if Jesus were to actually play in the Australian Open, he would probably lose anyway due to the fact he is, and would always be, love.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more worship news. To read about the last guy who claimed to be God, see this piece in the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular