Church commits to serving only ‘lukewarm’ coffee to avoid harm

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NEWCASTLE, NSW – In an effort to keep up with the times and avoid the safety hazard of serving anything hot to church attendees, a Uniting Church in Newcastle has committed to reducing all post-church drink options to ‘lukewarm’ status.

It may surprise our readers to learn, however, that it is not just tea, coffee and hot chocolate that will be adapted in temperature. Even Sunday School cordials are affected being no longer served chilled, but warmed to a sickly sweet level. 

The local Church minister, Pastor Mark Progress, indicated the changes followed a complete safety audit of the church and its practices, including the theology.

“With these changes in place, we can now officially be considered a safe space.”

“Our highest priority is to remove anything, beverage or bible verse, that may cause visitors feelings of offence or discomfort.”

There have been some complaints within the church, however, that the lukewarm policy is having negative results.

“Well for one, the carpet has needed to be replaced 5 or 6 times already as the beverages kept getting spat out all over the floor.”

“Without good, solid, hot coffee, I’m not sure if they can even really call themselves a church” indicated a parishioner, who wished to remain anonymous.

It is further reported that the church is also planning a number of other health and environmental adaptations by removing all salt from the morning snacks and dimming the lights for energy efficiency.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more church news. For further discussion about being ‘luke warm’, see this piece by John Piper.

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