Reports of Christian men suffering ‘Middle Ages crisis’ in lockdown

LONDON, UK – A new mystery mental health condition has emerged for Christians under global lockdowns which is baffling epidemiologists.

The reports indicated that thousands of 30-45 year-old churchgoing men in extended lock-downs are beginning to isolate themselves from their families, dress up in strange outfits, and maintaining significant periods of silence.

Experts are labelling the condition as ‘Middle Ages crisis‘, and psychologists are concerned about the long-term impact.

“It appears to be some form of COVID-traumatic stress disorder which is particularly impacting those men of a evangelical Christian background,” explained Dr Richard Lionheart from the Mental Health Round Table service.

“One strange attribute is an increased obsession with practices and theological works from the historical period from the 5th -15th century.”

Other symptoms we have observed include a refusal to eat, the rapid disposal of a vast array of excessive household items, and random outbursts of chanting.”

Ms Eleanor Aquitane, the wife of one of the afflicted individuals, expressed the challenges they were facing in light of the illness.

“I don’t think I can take it much longer.”

“He wakes me up in the middle of the night wanting to talk in detail about Thomas freakin’ Aquinas and various ‘proofs for God‘.”

“Then he’ll ask me to come with him to collect honey from his new beehive in order to ‘help feed the peasants’.”

“The most frustrating part is that he’s not even interested in physical intimacy any more – he just keeps pushing me away and mumbling something about his ‘vow of chastity’.”

Doctors are unsure as to how long the condition may last, but have recommended an 8-week course of 16th century Reformation literature, as well as trying some video games and modern Hillsong music.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more mental health updates. For more information on Medieval Theology, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

 

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular

Copy link
Powered by Social Snap