Chinese military terrified after ADF marches in Mardi Gras

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SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – China has officially withdrawn from the contested region in the South China Sea after pictures emerged of the Australian Defence Force (ADF) participating in this year’s Mardi Gras Parade.  

The move comes after the ADF today announced a long-term strategic plan to intimidate potential enemies through powerful displays of diversity and equality.

This includes the development of new technological weapons such as pink camouflage tanks, sequined submarines and secretly lethal rainbow-coloured Army Pride lapel pins.

The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) responded by declaring an immediate cessation of joint activities in the region, removing all its military bases and naval operations from the disputed Spratly Islands, and promising to continue dismantling its previous global expansions should the West halt its ‘aggressive posturing’.

The head of Chinese armed forces, General Huang Shu-kuang, released this statement:

“The people of China have been deeply traumatised by the build-up of ‘Tactical Equality Measures’ by the Australian Deference Force.”

“We condemn the Australian aggression and request an immediate halt to such hostile displays of overwhelming strength.” 

General Shu-kuang went on to detail the demoralising effect the tactics have had on their citizens after propaganda footage was broadcast throughout China of the ADF’s Military Inclusivity Exercises

“This psychological torture, and violation of the Geneva convention, has completely undermined the Chinese military,” the General continued.

“Thousands of our current recruits have been observed lying on the ground in fetal positions, rocking back and forth uncontrollably, in barracks across China because of the footage.” 

“We have therefore no choice but to temporarily withdraw from all military activity.”

“Our mistake was assuming that the ADF would not resort to such undignified displays of warfare – but we clearly overestimated their integrity and respect for human rights.”

It is further reported that President Biden has responded by announcing an inserting elite ‘Trans-SEAL’ units across Taiwan to confuse and disorientate any potential attacks.

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