China retaliate by unveiling upgraded Marxist Andrews Cyborg

MELBOURNE, VIC – China has retaliated after Australia’s scrapping of the Victorian ‘Belt and Road’ agreement by unveiling an upgraded version of Premier Daniel Andrews which now functions as a ‘Marxist Cyborg’.

Premier Andrews, who was previously thought to have been recovering from a recent spinal injury, has confirmed that he was actually involved in a secret Chinese program which has transformed part of his body into a powerful machine designed to reign Marxist destruction on Australia.

The Chinese Ambassador, Cheng Jingye, released a statement regarding the move:

“This betrayal shows that the Australian government has no sincerity in improving China-Australia relations, and therefore we have no choice but to release our super Marxist cyborg.”

“The truth is that Comrade Andrews was left completely paralysed after his accident, and so when we approached him with the offer to make him more powerful through an artificial upgrade he was very receptive.”

“We warned Australia that it would only end up hurting itself, and now our Destroyer Dictator Dan will make sure this happens.”

Early reports indicate that the new Premier Cyborg’s powers include the ability to destroy money, immediately lock-down cities, and being able to know what is best for every human being through his advanced social surveillance network.

The Premier Cyborg made a short announcement after dramatically flying into the press conference with an Ironman-style landing.

“Obey me pathetic minions…bzzzttt…and join the Marxist/Leninist ideology…..drrttttt-zzz-kk….or people will die.”

When Sky News media questioned Premier Cyborg as to whether there might be a conflict of interest between his elected office and his new artificial abilities, the Premier Cyborg simply disintegrated them with a glare of his laser eye.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more cyborg updates. For a further discussion around artificial intelligence and Christianity, see this piece by the Atlantic.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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