Image Credits: Ju Peng/Xinhua (edited)
China leader accuses Uyghurs of ‘not pulling their weight’ amidst disappointing Olympic results
BEIJING, CHINA – Chinese President, Xi Jingping, has lay the blame for their underwhelming Olympic results squarely on the shoulders of the Uyghur people of Western China.
Currently coming behind the United States in overall medal count, Xi Jinping is increasingly furious about China’s performance.
‘I promise you, heads will literally roll if we fail to completely humiliate the American imperialists in Tokyo through superior Chinese performance’.
“I am particularly disappointed at the Uyghur people who refuse to provide a fair share of their best athletes to the glory of the People’s Republic!”
“The glorious Chinese Communist Party has provided the Uyghurs with numerous athletic training facilities and intensive camps for their development – yet they have failed to compete for a single medal.”
“With a population of 12.8 million, they should have brought in at least half the medal tally of that troublesome, arrogant little island – Australia!”
The Uyghurs, a predominantly Muslim population, are the largest minority ethnic group in China. It is reported that there are some exceptional athletes in the areas who can train non-stop for days at a time on very little food and sleep.
The performance of Chinese athletes is allegedly made all the harder by the fact that silver and bronze medals are not officially recognised by the CCP.
Yang Wenxiu, who earned a bronze in women’s trampoline for China in 2008, outlined the process for non-gold winners.
“Well, if you don’t get gold then you are given the permanent formal title of ‘One who has failed’.”
“We are then all given new homes with our families in the remedial Olympic and agriculture training camps.”
“Yet we are still thankful at having the opportunity to serve one of the most divine and wonderful Government’s on earth.”
It is further reported that the Wuhan Institute of Virology are exploring several new ‘patriotic vaccinations‘ to help enhance the Uyghur performances for the Mother country.