China introduces tariffs on Australia for politicians they’ve bought

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BEIJING, CHINA – Chinese President, Xi Jinping, has announced today that as punishment for Australia’s accusations of political infiltration, China would be introducing tariffs on all ‘exported political allegiances’.

The move comes after a terse exchange with Foreign Ministry spokesman, Wang Wenbin, were he condemned allegations that Beijing tried to infiltrate Australian politics after a police investigation connected China’s Sydney Consulate to a plot involving the NSW Labor Party.

“We are strongly dissatisfied and firmly opposed to the allegations, and we hope that people discard their prejudice against the perfectly normal politician purchasing operations of China’s diplomatic missions,” Mr Wenbin said.

“We have already taxed your barley, wheat, wine, coal and livestock –  and we are well aware that Chinese kickbacks are the next biggest import.”

Some politicians have condemned the Federal Government’s increasingly hard-line stance against Chinese investment, claiming that the post-COVID economic recovery is reliant on Chinese political purchasing.

Premier Daniel Andrews, who has already sold a substantial minority share of Victorian Parliament seats, lashed the PM for his lack of diplomatic tact:

“This anti-China rhetoric is simply an ideological smear which poisons China-Australian relations with a Cold War mentality”.

“China’s investment in our parliament, our legal system, our human rights bodies and our police force as a vital in bringing our State through this lockdown into a more vibrant and prosperous lockdown.”

It is further reported that President Jinping has threatened to impose further tariffs on Chinese-owned university vice-chancellors, Media CEOs and Mining Executives if demands are not met.

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