Chess Federation announces black will now go first to avoid racism

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MELBOURNE, VIC – The Australian Chess Federation (ACF) has announced that as part of the sport’s support for the #Blacklivesmatter movement they will be playing all future competitions with the black side taking the first move in order to combat racism.

The moves comes after a taxpayer-funded ABC campaign to alter the rules of chess due to white always going first. Activists on Twitter quickly jumped onto the campaign, threatening to boycott chess completely if changes weren’t made, despite most admitting they had never even heard of the intellectual game before.

The President of the ACF, Gary Wastell, was quick to support the move.

“The ACF offer our complete and unconditional apology for supporting such severe systematic racism for over 1500 years.”

“We repent on behalf of all chess players throughout history who have caused such deep harm with their actions.”

“Please don’t boycott us. Now computers can beat us it is difficult enough to get people playing.”

Mr Watsell also indicated that more major changes were being considered in order to make the game ‘diversity friendly’ including:

– Transforming the king and queen into gender-neutral pieces

– Changing the rules so pieces cannot be taken, only cuddled

– Redefining the phrase ‘checkmate’ into ‘checkfriend’

– Ensuring that all games end with both sides as winners

– Forcing all Bishops to wave rainbow flags

It is also reported that activists have begun an additional movement called #Pawnlivesmatter, and have allegedly been tipping over Knights and occupying Castles in order to protest the inequality faced by the smaller pieces.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more chess news updates. For further discussion around chess and the kingdom of God, see this blog piece by Hugh Barber.

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