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Charismatics offer Holy Spirit boosters to protect against new sin variants
PERTH, WA – A large charismatic church has announced that they can now offer ‘Holy Spirit boosters’ in order to deal with new variants of sin that have started spreading across the nation.
The Evitilise Church, headed up by Pastor Will Scooter, indicated that all in his congregation of 5,000 were being encouraged to visit their prayer clinic to get the booster as soon as possible.
“Obviously everyone in our congregation has been baptised in the Holy Spirit, we wouldn’t let them in without it, but now that is simply not enough to protect against the evils of the world.”
“We know that sin is always evolving, mutating into forms that we are not protected against.”
“For example, who would’ve thought 20 years ago we would be facing modern sins of gender confusion, unvaccination and cultural appropriation.”
“That is why the Holy Spirit booster was developed – to make sure that the church can battle these new spiritual variants we all have to face.”
Some have raised concern about the booster, saying that they haven’t been theologically tested over a long-period, may not be safe for children, and are concerned that it offers no real protection against the original strain of sin.
Pastor Scooter has dismissed the concerns however.
“These boosters have been thoroughly and scientifically tested by our worship team, and it is all really quite a straight forward procedure.”
“All we do is pray the Holy Spirit be boosted within you, that His power would be even stronger and longer lasting, helping prevent the spread of new sin.”
“We all then crowd in within a 1.5m radius, lay our hands on them, and all breathe the breath of the Spirit upon them.”
“After you speak in tongues and roll around a bit, our prayer nurse then gives you a ‘I’ve been boosted by the Spirit’ sticker and sends you out into the fallen world once more.”
“We even have an app available to be able to show proof of booster status in order to gain access to our church coffee machine.”
Some more liberal members of the church have attempted to claim ‘Holy Spirit exemption status‘, but Pastor Scooter has indicated that such slander against the Spirit will never be forgiven.