Image Credits: Toby Zerna (edited)
Catholics release thousands from purgatory to protest cemetery takeover
SYDNEY, NSW – Sydney’s Catholic Archbishop, Anthony Fisher, has taken the drastic action of raising thousands from purgatory to oppose the Government’s plans for aggressive cemetery takeovers.
The NSW Government recently announced a decision to amalgamate the state’s five cemetery trusts after mismanagement and poor forward planning, and this included the seizure of the 150 year old Catholic Metropolitan Cemeteries Trust.
The Catholic Archbishop exclaimed that the ‘dead would not take this decision lying down‘.
“We will not give up the care of our dead without a fight.”
“The Government deceived us in the negotiations, and now there will be hell to pay.”
“I have therefore utilised my power as Archbishop to call on those in purgatory to rise up for their rights.”
“As the saints rose from their graves and marched on the holy city of Jerusalem after Jesus death, I release those in purgatory to bring God’s justice on this crucial political affair.”
Reports have been confirmed of hundreds of ‘semi-purified spirits’ rising from Rookwood cemetery and floating towards the NSW Parliament to petition the Premier.
In a world first ‘spirit interview’, Damascus Dropbear was able to get the thoughts of those involved in the protest.
“We just want to ensure the voice beyond the grave is heard loud and clear,” recently deceased purgatory resident, Ethel Miller, told DD.
“When I was alive I wouldn’t even trust the Government to empty my garbage bin, and now some bean-counting, secular bureaucrat is put in charge of our spiritual and eternal care?”
“How are we suppose to we rest in peace? Lord have mercy!”
The NSW Premier, Gladys Berejiklian, has responded by reassuring the spirits that they are happy to continue a mutually respectful dialogue, but made clear that the government would not respond to any threats of ‘haunting‘, ‘possession‘ or ‘immortal judgment of their souls‘.