Catholic Church launch online confessional booths

THE VATICAN, ROME – Pope Francis has announced that, due to COVID19 and emerging technologies, confession will now be permanently available online to practising Catholics.

The controversial move is however restricted to computers, laptops and iPad’s that have been blessed by the local Bishop.

For many years the Vatican has been resistant to alternative arrangements around delivery of the sacraments, such as over a phone call, Zoom, or on online game chat forums.

However, the pandemic has created a number of challenges around confession, especially in meeting those dying of the contagious COVID19, and a recognition was made for addressing the pastoral needs of the faithful.

“They have a right to the sacraments, and the Church’s ministers should do all they can to provide them.” Pope Francis wrote in his latest encyclical, Computatrum Confessionem.

“The important thing is that the congregation receives forgiveness, not the way they deliver their confession.”

The news has been received favourably by many local Catholics. Here’s what a few had to say:

“I have never felt so comfortable in repentance. We were interrupted however when my grandchildren video-called during the absolution and so I’m not entirely sure it worked.” Gertrude BakerSouthampton, UK

“OMG, I live-streamed my confession today and have been totes blessed by over 10,000 new followers. I have started online confessing daily, but I must say it’s hard to keep coming up with fresh content for my fans.” Brittany Howard – California US

“It’s a real time saver. Using my holy desktop, I can now sin and then confess and receive forgiveness all in the one sitting.” George Hughes – Auckland NZ

There have also been challenges to the scheme however, with many of the computers exploding after being blessed with too much Holy Water.

It is further reported that Pope Francis has controversially indicated that if no reliable internet connection is available, Catholics can bluetooth their sins directly to Jesus.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more theological updates. For further discussion around confession, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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