BOM announces extreme weather conditions for the next few years

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SYDNEY, NSW – In breaking news, it appears that Australia will be experiencing some of the most extreme weather temperatures on record over the next few years.

According to the Bureau of Meteorology (BOM), an upcoming heatwave will be causing national temperatures to soar to overwhelming levels, leaving many Aussies feeling like they’ve been left in a giant red oven.

Some are attributing the conditions to climate change, while others are convinced that it is just a cunning ploy by Chinese spies to lower the Australian birth rate.

Only Tasmania have been left out in the cold, being devoid of warmth altogether and reports of feet being frozen to the ground in some political offices. Many Australia appear to be seriously considering migrating to isolated farms in the cooler island state to protect themselves from the mainland.

However, some have suggested that the island state is actually just hiding progressive increases in temperature data.

Somewhat ironically, many of the environmentalist Greens who have been warning of the extreme conditions appear to now be welcoming the heatwave despite the catastrophic indicators.

But despite the heat, many mainstream Aussies are determined to keep cool heads. Conservative weathermen on Sky News have suggested several ways to avoid the oppressive heat.

These include staying inside permanently, building underground shelters filled with canned goods, and waving giant Australian flags to counter all the hot air coming across the country.

But fear not, Aussies! Relief is on the way. The Bureau of Meteorology has predicted that temperatures will soon start to cool down, thanks to a strong libertarian and nationalistic breeze blowing in from Antarctica (though meteorologists have warned that these winds can be highly unpredictable).

So, until then, just remember to stay hydrated, wear your Akubra, and whatever you do, don’t forget to slip, slop, slap anyone who utters the phrase “Hot, isn’t it?”.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more weather updates. To read more about keeping cool in world politics, read this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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