Biden claims to have been given Bible by King James himself

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WASHINGTON, DC – Newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden has pushed back at those challenging his legitimacy by claiming that the Bible he was sworn in on was actually given to him personally by King James I.

President Biden recalled the story to the COVID-restricted inauguration crowd as he looked wistfully into the distance.

“I met King James I after I had just rescued the Britons from the depredations of a local dragon, after which I miraculously cured of the King of his leprosy through the sacrament of baptism.” 

“In return the King gave me a oath of power, and dignity of glory, vigor, and the imperial honor of one day becoming ruler of the most powerful empire on earth.”

“He handed me this Bible as a seal of that promise, as well as providing me the most beautiful maiden in the land to be my wife.”

“Almost 400 years later I am so thankful to see that promise fulfilled, and pledge to charge forward for God, the United States and St George!”

Some historians have claimed that the rather unusual size of the Bible is due to the inclusion of not only the Old and New Testaments, but also the previously undiscovered Future Testament. Others however point out that it is simply due to the Bible being printed in size 72 font.

It is further reported that the Secret Service has Nicholas Cage in custody after he allegedly tried to steal the Bible as a National Treasure, claiming it contained secret clues that would uncover Biden’s as a Freemason conspirator who was seeking to sell the country to China.

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