Berejiklian funds team of faith healers to line NSW-VIC border

ALBURY, NSW – The NSW Government have taken the extreme measures of turning to ‘faith healers’ as part of their COVID border security measures.

With the first border closures in 100 years set to come into force at midnight tonight, and further lockdowns being flagged across Victoria over the coming days, health officials are turning to alternative ways to ensure that the COVID outbreak does not spread in other States.

The NSW Premier, Gladys Berejiklian, explained that due to the significant challenges surrounding keeping the virus contained, they were more than willing to explore all options – even those that appealed to the Almighty.

Therefore, she said, starting tonight faith healers will be stationed at all airports and main highways to ensure that any infected individuals will be healed before entering NSW.

One of the faith healers, Pastor Hinny Benn, spoke to reporters about their role and the healing protocol:

“Well, we gonna cast out that virus in the name of Jee-sus. We gonna say to this COVID virus that it has to leave the-ese people and go back to the demon bat in which it came from. We gonna slay ev’ry last bit of that evil submicroscopic infectious agent and say that you are not welcome here, and that all that tainted blood would be replaced by the blood…of…Jee-sus!”

When asked whether Pastor Hinn thought there was enough faith in Victoria for such healing, considering their record as having the highest percentage of atheists per capita at the last census, Hinn replied:

“I am concerned about such a lack of belief, I surely am. But I tell you I bargained straight with the Lord, I did, and He said that even if there were ten righteous people in Victoria, then he would spare the city.”

More to come…

 

 

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular

Copy link
Powered by Social Snap