Australian Cricket captain Tim Paine puts The Ashes on his head in act of repentance

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HOBART, TAS – Australian cricket captain, Tim Paine, has taken a dramatic step of repentance by smearing the famous ‘Ashes’ on his head.

Paine resigned as captain of the team yesterday at a press conference, where he confessed inappropriate sexual messages with a colleague back in 2017.

Dressed in sackcloth and with the Ashes smeared on his forehead, he sat down with the Damascus Dropbear.

“Obviously, now that I’ve been caught out in the slips, I recognise the need for serious repentance,” Paine declared.

“And I’m not just talking about taking some shallow token knee before a match, I’m talking full on penance for my sweeping sin.” 

“I thought the symbolism was a poignant one, with the sprinkling of ashes being an ancient Judeo-Christian custom of humility and being brought low to the dust.” 

“I’ve truly been a silly-mid on, and I just hope the great umpire in the sky, in his mercy, reviews the decision.”

However, the English cricket captain, Joe Root, was outraged after hearing of Paine’s response.

“What the Duck!! He used the bloomin’ sacred Ashes to smear over himself just because he dropped the ball?!”

“Oh he’s in for it. I’m gonna string him up with the boundary rope at the Pavilion end for this one.”

“I don’t care if the Bible says I am my brother’s keeper – he’s gonna get the full wrath and judgement of the Lords!”

It is further reported that Paine will spend 40 days fasting and praying in the middle of the pitch at the MCG, with the hope that he might be forgiven and one day resurrected to the Test team.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for further cricket news. For further discussion around the meaning of sackcloth and ashes, see this blog from WalkingwithaLimp.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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