Atheists confused after God updates Earth’s privacy policy

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EARTH, MILKY WAY – Atheists across the globe have declared their deep confusion and frustration after irrefutable evidence that ‘God’ had in fact reached out in order to update His privacy policy with humanity.

The reaction comes after the viral video of what is clearly an angel descending from the heavens and delivering a golden document to the world’s most powerful leader, President Xi Jinping.

The document outlines that God’s Timeless data system®, which knows the deepest secrets of every heart, will gather more personal information than in previous years. However, data will only be used for service provision, and will not be shared with any third parties. The agreement is set to take effect on Tuesday.

Many atheists however have expressed concern at the revelation, unaware that they had signed up to God’s communication list in the first place.

“I must say it is a bit of a shock,” exclaimed evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion.

“All these years I was so sure I was right – so incredibly sure.”

“I am actually pretty annoyed he didn’t say something earlier, as now I look like a complete goose.”

Comedian and provocateur, Ricky Gervais, took to Twitter to express his thoughts.

“Well I guess I’m not an atheist anymore… Bugger.”

“Here’s praying that God’s got a sense of humour – otherwise I’m up the creek big time.”

God’s Senior Angel for Community Engagement, Archangel Gerald, provided a more detailed update on social media, describing it as an important step toward eternal safety.

“God has always valued people’s privacy, and remains committed to end-to-end encryption for prayers. That hasn’t changed.”

“However, with the completely anticipated threat of COVID-19, more sharing is needed to ensure God’s love and service provisions are known by everyone as soon as possible.”

“We’re hoping that this initiative for greater personal and inter-relational transparency through micro- and metadata expansion leads to more people knowing that God has an eternal purpose for their lives.”

It is further reported that a number of atheists have still chosen to hit the ‘unsubscribe’ button, despite warnings that they may miss out on important announcements and special deals.

Story credited to Dropbear contributor, Daniel Brewster. For further information about atheists turning to Christianity, see this piece on BeThinking.

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