Archbishop calls for massacre of Parliament as ‘biblical response’ to rape claims

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CANBERRA, ACT – Catholic Archbishop, Cole Markridge, has called for a ‘biblical response’ to the alleged rape in Parliament of former Government staffer, Brittany Higgins – indicating that it could involve the brutal massacre of the entirety of Parliament House.

Preaching from St. Christopher’s Cathedral, the Archbishop outlined the Bible’s principled position on rape in Genesis 34.

“What we see in this text is the story of the rape of Dinah, daughter of Jacob, by a local Hivite prince.”

“In response, Dinah’s brothers trick the Hivites into getting circumcised as part of a peace treaty, and then proceeded to slaughter every man in the town as revenge.”

“I can’t help but feel that if we are to be true to the message of Scripture then perhaps this option should be considered as a solution to this tragic event.” 

“May God have mercy on them all!”

Several male politicians have expressed deep and fearful concern at the Archbishops comments, and have taken to hiding in their offices. However, somewhat surprisingly, a number of female politicians have indicated they are open to all ideas.

“The chauvinistic, power hungry and sexualised culture in Parliament needs to be reigned in,” explained Celia Hammond MP.

“As a Catholic I recognise where the Archbishop is coming from, and do think the Bible has much to say on our modern challenges.”

It is further reported that an angry mob has formed outside Parliament with burning torches and a traditional circumcision tools known as the Mogen clamp.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more political theology updates. For a powerful perspective on the rape of Dinah story, see this piece in the Gospel Coalition.

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