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Angry Evangelicals begin process of stoning false election prophets
VIRGINIA, USA – Furious Evangelicals took to the streets today to begin stoning what they saw as ‘false election prophets’ who had claimed they had heard God tell them that Trump would undoubtedly win the election in a landslide.
The outrage comes as the majority of electoral colleges confirmed Joe Biden as the next President, and court cases challenging the outcome were overruled.
The riotous mob allegedly first went after prominent televangelist and political commentator, Pat Robertson, who had declared in October that he had unquestionably heard from God that Trump would win the the election.
After dragging him from his home towards a nearby ‘stoning wall’, they read out the charges, quoting from Deuteronomy 18:20-22. They gave Robertson a chance to speak in his defence.
“I heard what I heard I tell ya!”, Robertson proclaimed.
“I remember the prophecy vividly. I stood in the heart of the Grand Canyon and shouted, ‘Will Trump win the election?’.
“Now you may not believe it, but I heard the response from God immediately as loud and clear as my own voice.”
“Anyway, Trump could still win. We just have to overturn every corrupt institution in the American democratic system is all. Nothing is impossible with God!”
At this the mob unleashed their fury and threw copies of Karl Barth’s Church Dogmatics at Robertson until his light was almost extinguished.
It was at this point, Robertson, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed steadily upward into heaven and saw the glory of Trump and a place of honour for set aside for himself in his Cabinet.
And he prayed, “Lord receive my Spirit, and do not charge them with this sin. Just charge the Democrats.”