ABS to replace ‘no religion’ category in census with ‘meaningless chaos’

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CANBERRA, ACT – The Australian Bureau of Statistics has announced a change on the upcoming census form from ‘no religion’ to ‘meaningless chaos and despair’.

The move comes as the head Australian Statistician, David Gruen, indicated that a change better reflected the statistical demographic in this current period of Australian history.

“We ran a number of focus groups around the question of religion, and it was clear that people felt this new description was a better fit.”

“Putting ‘No religion’ is simply a negative contrast and may distort results, whereas ‘meaningless chaos and despair’ was described as a more positive and accurate reflection of one’s beliefs.”

“I think in these depressing COVID times, people are deeply searching for their true identity – and now the census question can provide that clarity.”

The Atheist Foundation of Australia welcomed the move, saying that the form accurately reflected the core of their worldview.

“Atheism is really about being honest regarding the cold, empty, random and pointless universe around us,” explained Atheist President, Andrew Skegg.

“We feel that the ABS has made the right call here by helping people really get to grips with the reality of rejecting any conception of God.”

“Now all we have to do is throw away all notions of morality, reason, beauty, and objective scientific truth and we’ll be all set to progress as a nation.”

The ABS are anticipating that the main career profiles which are likely to utilise the new ‘meaningless chaos and despair‘ option will include lawyers, merchant bankers, and ABC journalists.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more census updates. For more about atheism and religion, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

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